Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What a bonkers audition......

Man.  It's been 6 days since that audition and it still strikes me as the most bizarre and fun things I've done in an audition.  Mark and I had a 2pm slot.  We arrived around the corner at like 135.  Mark asked "Hey man, do you wanna slam a beer or two before?" "Yeah, let's tie one on."  So we had 2 coors light drafts and a water a piece.  We head around the block to go to the audition (which is basically in this batshit woman's apartment).  They tell us that we have to wait 40 minutes.

Mark and I exchange a glance that reads "What the fuck..."

The mouthy CD runs out of the bedroom with her raspy voice.  "Don't roll your eyes like you want to kill me, this is the opportunity of a lifetime."  This whole "opportunity of a lifetime" thing is wearing really effing thin at the moment.  We say ok.  I'm already half in the bag (all I had was a bowl of cornflakes, and an espresso before drilling 32 oz of Colorado's finest.  I tell her "You're forcing us to drink we're gonna go back in the bar."

We head back to the bar and have a few more beers.  4? 5? I'm not sure. 

At this point, we're actually pretty pissed.  Between the whole obnoxious pre-audition process of two days earlier and the being told to come back 40 minutes after your audition time, we really got pissed.  For real.  So this is angry drinking.  We return after 40 minutes, she tells us its now going to be another 20 minutes.  Meanwhile we see who else they are auditioning.  They are gross and lack charisma.  I am steaming.  Ok back to the bar I guess, we return 30 minutes later - cuz fuck them.  We rip a shot of wild turkey and come back to the "casting office" (read: obnoxious woman's apartment) loaded for bare.  I see an asian designed armoire in the corner and I declare to the woman that "I will piss in that armoire you stole off the set of the 'Golden Child' if you don't put us on camera right now."  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Thank goodness, because she started laughing and brought us inside. 

The next 30 minutes were a blur.  Mostly because we were borderline blacked out, but also because she was just so obnoxious.  Here are some snippets:

Her phone kept ringing, so I took the battery out and put it in my front pocket.

I walked off camera and towards her and started berating her for being so obnoxious.

I ate 10 white castles during the process.

I referred to Japanese people as "crazy kamikaze flying sons of bitches".

We flipped the bird into the camera and called Rupert Murdoch a pussy. 

We informed Mr. Murdoch that we were having sex with his border collie.

And you must believe me when I say that the CD ate us up.  She effing loved it.  When it was over she gave us big hugs and told us that we "are pissers" and is FedExing the tape to the network that night.  The assistant, told us it was the most fun he ever had during an audition. 

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